The Past, The Future, The Self.

It feels like every god damn thing from my teenage years is a fucking embarrassment.  An embarrassment I am masochistically able to share with whomever asks to see what I was like.

Even reading previous blog posts makes me want to hang (myself) my head in shame.  I remember being oh so excited to write about my inane banter on the internet, to a population of roughly 10 people, 1 of them being myself...

So it took a lot of willpower, to not just burn this blog to the ground, and instead write about how everything I write about in the past is shameful to the point of giving me heartburn.  

Of course, some ridiculous time traveling reference aside, I can guess that when future me sees this post by past me, some curious things are going to happen... (Seeing as how I haven't really addressed future me in writing, aside from making a time capsule in the fifth grade to open upon my high school graduation... I remember thinking (as 17 year old high school grad me) that fifth grader me was a cheeky fucker who made me laugh a bit, but was a fucking dumb ass, and saying 'ironically...' would be wrong because *obviously* current me (22 y/o wtf am I doing college stuff me) thinks that 17 year old high school loser me is a loser, and I'm better than that guy, in literally every way.  

Somehow this feels like I'm setting myself up for disappointment...

Now that was a rant!  (Nice.))

Bet you forgot that shit was in parentheses.

Anyway, curious things will happen:

• I hate numbered lists.
• I will get annoyed at my past self for referencing my future self, which will have been "clever" but nonetheless annoying to me.  (Me being the future me reading this in the future, assuming I don't go blind, and they don't have internet braille. (Keep up.))
• I will be surprisingly happy with my insight and reward myself with treats.  
• I will laugh at the absurdity of my foolish and weak past self trying to predict future behavior.
• I will nostalgically remember moments in my life like this night and smile/frown/burp.  
• Who reads this shit?

Basically what I'm saying is, it is some dark tormented black magic that sustains the idea that I'm happy with who I am at the moment when considering that the future looking back me is almost always disappointed.  Maybe that's just a part of knowing that one day you will die, and every day you look back on yourself is a measure of how far you've come, AND SECRETLY THE WHOLE TIME, I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF I'M BETTER NOW THAN I WAS BECAUSE IF I HAVEN'T GROWN OVER TIME THAT I AM STAGNATING AND I DO NOT WANT MOSQUITO LARVA(E) GROWING IN MY WATERS OF FAILURE.

Okay well that got too real.

Time to double check this and make sure I didn't commit any horrendously lazy grammatical errors that I will judge in the fast approaching future as shamefully unacceptable.  

I'm proud of you future me.  <-- That shit is impossible.

(And to the poor bastard(s) in Turkey reading my blog, literally what the hell are you doing?)